oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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