He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
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Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
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I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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