He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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