I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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