I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
