I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
