omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
