I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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