just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
