why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
