i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
