I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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