i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
