I CAN MOONWALK!
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
