i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
