I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
