So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
