over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
