I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
