Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
