Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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