When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
