I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
