sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
