the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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