Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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