I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
