I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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