guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i would punch a child for taco bell
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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