I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
