I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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