Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
