meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
