Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
