I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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