Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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