I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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