Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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