When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
