i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
