I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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