there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
