omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
