how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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