Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We left the knife in your bed.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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