you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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