Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
