It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
