So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
