i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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