ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize