The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
