Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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