I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
