To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
