I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
