fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The feeling are messing with the penis
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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